


The Danger of Memories

by professorriversong



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: A little angst, F/M, Mostly Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-03
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 19:46:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/828132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorriversong/pseuds/professorriversong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor takes River to the Medusa Cascade, but the past comes back to haunt them both</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Danger of Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Another 3am drabble, idea just came into my head and it being late I've had no time to check it so I hope it's okay

‘And where are we off too this time?’ River asked, walking up to the Tardis console whilst fastening a belt around her waist.  
‘I thought that I would finally show you the Medusa Cascade,’ the Doctor answered smugly, knowing how much she had always wanted to see it. His hearts skipped a beat when he noticed her eyes light up. River had no idea of the effect that she had on him.  
‘Oh that is brilliant,’ she smiled, ‘I’ve learnt enough about it to fill a book; I have always wanted to see it.’

The Doctor looked at River, a picture of beauty in a simple dress of Tardis blue which skimmed the top of her knees playfully as she walked.  
‘You look…’ he started, unable to find the words to describe her.  
‘I know it’s not much, but I didn’t know what we would be doing,’ she explained, not quite getting the hint. ‘I had to dress for all occasions.’  
He laughed, a sound so rare and precious that River wished she could capture it to hear it every day.  
‘What is it sweetie?’ she asked, confused.  
‘River,’ he grinned, leaning in and kissing her softly. ‘You look amazing.’ 

As they pulled away, the Doctor could have sworn he saw a tinge of redness in her cheeks but he said nothing. Applying the stabilisers, he took River’s arm and led her to the door. With a snap of his fingers they opened, revealing the beautiful green and blue wisps of the Medusa Cascade. Even now it took his breath away.

‘It’s…indescribable,’ said River, not wanting to look away even to blink.  
‘I first came here when I was ninety,’ he told her. ‘There was a rift in time I had to close; it was a test really, to see if I could do it and somehow I passed.’  
‘It’s you,’ River reminded him, ‘you were always going to pass.’  
‘Everyone was so proud of me…’ His mind wandered, flashes of the life before he had stolen the big blue box coming back to him; a far simpler time. Happier too, he supposed, but it wasn’t fair to make a direct comparison. They were two different worlds, two different lives really, and there was little point in reminiscing over something he could never return to.

River looked at the Doctor, eyes glazed over, and knew what he was thinking about. It upset her to know that there was nothing she could say to ease his pain, and it hurt that she could never replace the family he had lost. It was selfish, she knew, but how could she compete with ghosts? The Doctor was brilliant, amazing and the best man she would ever know but River was all too aware that she was just another person in his life, one of many and hardly the most important. One day his memories of her would fade. In a thousand years he wasn’t going to remember her in the same way as he did those he had lost before and he wouldn’t get that look in his eye. 

She couldn’t say that it didn’t hurt; it hurt more than she ever imagined a simple thought or feeling could. But what was she to do? She could only swallow her pain, put on a smile and enjoy what little time she had with him. It’s what she did every time she saw him.

‘It really is beautiful,’ River said eventually, breaking the silence between them. The Doctor nodded.  
‘Each different shade is a moon or nebula or galaxy the time rift was pulling in before it was sealed. Now they are all literally frozen in time, in the moment when they were being sucked in. It’s tragic in a way but at the same time they were saved from utter destruction, living on in some form for all of the universe to admire. Shall we get closer?’

River followed him back into the Tardis and the doors closed behind them. He started flicking switches as though nothing had happened, the boyish grin on his face he always had when he was tinkering.  
‘The fifteenth broken moon is right near the centre, unmoving because of the effect of the cascade itself but perfectly hospitable; the perfect place for dinner.’

When they landed, the Doctor grabbed a picnic basket from the kitchen and escorted River outside onto the broken moon. The whole surface of the moon was bathed in the light shining from the Medusa Cascade, glowing green, yellow and blue all at once. The cascade became the sky, so big that any other stars or galaxies couldn’t be seen, and the colours made it feel like they were walking through a kaleidoscope. 

The ground itself was grey and dusty, similar to the surface of Earth’s moon. The Doctor laid down a blanket where he and River could sit and opened a bottle of wine and a packet of Jammie Dodgers. They both lay back, propped up on their elbows and staring at the amazing sky.  
‘I think I could lie here all day,’ River told him, sipping the wine in her glass. ‘It almost feels…I don’t know.’  
‘What?’ asked the Doctor, biting into his second biscuit.  
‘It’s like I can feel it, the energy it has and the power it holds. So much history locked away and no-one around to appreciate it. Most people never get to see such a wonder, and those few who do don’t realise what it is, what it has seen.’  
‘Not quite no-one,’ he reminded her smiling. ‘But you’re right. Some people look at something so beautiful and for whatever reason they just can’t see it.’ He looked at River, who was hanging on his every word, and brushed a curl behind her ear.  
‘Sometimes it takes a while to realise that what you’re seeing is so much more than just beauty,’ he breathed, drowning in her deep green eyes. 

The wine glass fell to the ground, spilling its contents across the grey dust and turning it the colour of blood. The Doctor took River in his arms and kissed her as if for the first time, deeply and passionately with his hands in her hair and his body pressed against hers. He had never felt such heat, such desperation to kiss and touch another person. It was as if he never wanted to let her go in fear that he would lose her.

River’s heart was racing as the Doctor kissed her neck as tenderly as the stroke of a summer breeze. Doubts flashed across her mind. Was he just doing this because he was lonely? Was it her that he truly wanted, or did he just want to forget the memories of those he had lost? No, she couldn’t think like that. This was all that she had ever wanted, for him to want to be close to her, and her own self-consciousness couldn’t ruin that, not now. 

The Doctor loosened his bow tie and hesitated for a moment.  
‘What is it?’ River asked, tears pricking her eyes. He didn’t want her after all, how could he? What was she to him but just another distraction? These stupid notions of love she had were nothing more than dreams.  
‘Are…are you sure?’ Her heart leapt into her chest. He was asking her permission. She nodded at once.  
‘More than I have ever been.’

They fell into each other’s arms, the light of the Medusa Cascade shining down upon them as if it were sent from heaven. There had never been a more perfect moment, a moment of complete harmony, and they shared it together.

Xxx

River laid her head on the Doctor’s chest, listening to the beating of his hearts. She couldn’t stop smiling. The Doctor himself finished fixing his bowtie and put his arm around her, holding her close to him. She had never felt safer, or happier, in her life and she sensed that it was showing.  
‘I think I’m lying on a Jammie Dodger,’ the Doctor confessed.  
River laughed. ‘Only you could pull off a sentence like that.’  
‘Did I?’  
‘What?’  
‘Pull it off?’ the Doctor grinned, and River caught his meaning. She lifted her head.  
‘You most certainly did,’ she said, kissing him.

After a moment however, she pulled back and sat straight up.  
‘What is it?’ he asked.  
‘Can’t you feel it? It’s stronger than before, that energy; it’s resonating so loudly I can hardly think.’  
‘I feel it,’ the Doctor agreed, sitting up, ‘but not as strongly as you do. I-‘ The colour drained from his face.  
‘We have to go.’ River put a hand to her throbbing temple as the pulse of the energy increased its power.  
‘Why?’  
‘Because the Medusa Cascade was a rift in time, and I sealed it,’ he explained, hurriedly packing the things back into the basket, ‘but every so often, time energy builds up and is released as a wave.’  
‘A…a wave of time energy?’ River realised now why he was so panicked. Time energy was dangerous at the best of times, but concentrated into a wave at such close proximity…anything could happen. There was no telling what the consequences would be.

The Tardis was parked nearby, but they had walked a distance away from it to get the best view of the cascade. River tried to get to her feet but she almost fell, her head aching from the pulse of the time energy. The Doctor caught her and held her steady, his hands firmly yet gently holding her shoulders.  
‘You’re a child of the Tardis, there are traces of this energy in your blood,’ he told her, ‘so this won’t be pleasant but I’m going to need you to run, okay?’ 

River nodded, taking his hand and running as fast as she could yet still falling slightly behind the Doctor. Her head felt like splitting, but she kept putting one foot in front of the other knowing that the Tardis was safe. She had always rather liked the running part of life with the Doctor, but this hadn’t been her favourite run.

She felt it as the Medusa Cascade released the time wave, and the pain in her head spiked. Her hand slipped from the Doctor’s and she fell further behind. When he turned to see her struggling, he called to her but there was no time. He saw the bright yellow wave rushing towards them, ready to crash into the broken moon at any moment and all he could do was brace himself against it. 

The ground trembled beneath his feet as the wave made its impact and the Doctor felt heat washing over him; but that was it. The time energy didn’t seem to affect him, which he considered to be unusual, but his prolonged exposure to the time vortex from such a young age could explain his resistance to its affects. 

River, however, was not like him. She had been exposed to time vortex yes, but not in the same controlled manner as the Doctor and having being conceived in the Tardis she had traces of the very energy they had been attacked with in her blood. The Doctor steadied himself, opened his eyes and turned on his heel to see where River was. 

The wave had hit her hard, knocking her to the ground where she was on her hands and knees gasping for breath. The Doctor sprinted over to her and helped her to her feet, his face contorted with worry.  
‘River, are you okay? Of course you’re not okay, but I mean…oh damn what was I saying…’  
‘I’m fine,’ she assured him with a weak smile, though her face was pale and her hands were trembling.  
‘You’re not, but can you walk? I mean-‘  
‘Yes, yes I can walk I’m not an-‘ River gasped, doubling over as pain ripped through her stomach. She reached out her hand to him instinctively and the Doctor took it at once, squeezing it in reassurance. When she was calmer, he scooped her into his arms and walked carefully back to the Tardis.

When they were there, the Doctor set River down upon the stairs where she could just about support herself in sitting position before closing the Tardis doors and setting them on course back into the time vortex. After he had finished he sat beside her and took her hand in his own.  
‘I…I’m okay,’ she lied less than convincingly, ‘I just need a moment.’  
‘River that was time energy, it’s dangerous. I don’t know what it will do, or what is has done already.’  
She gripped his hand tightly, the skin on her knuckles white with the tension as she fought against the pain.  
‘River,’ he said softly, ‘you have to let me help you.’  
‘What can you do?’  
‘I…I don’t know but I…’ he stuttered, his brain working in overdrive trying to find a solution. Doctors couldn’t help her, they wouldn’t know where to begin; it was all down to him. 

‘It’s okay s-sweetie,’ River rasped forcing a smile, ‘I’m sure it will be gone in a minute.’ She felt a tear betray her by escaping down her cheek as she doubled over again, the pain and heat of the time energy searing in her abdomen. 

The Doctor couldn’t bear it. She was trying so hard to be strong but he could see the pain he was causing her but wracking his brains he didn’t know what to do.  
‘T-Trenzalore,’ she gasped, ‘when w-was I at T-trenzalore?’  
‘That’s…that’s impossible.’  
Of course, pure time energy held the potential for every moment across the universe. Within its raw power it had every aspect of her life penned in great detail, and her mind was using it to unravel her own time line.  
‘River you have to stop,’ he warned her.  
‘I can’t stop it,’ she told him, feeling helpless and hating every minute. ‘I’ve never been to Trenzalore, but I’m there and I…’  
‘This is your future, you have to fight it,’ the Doctor shouted, holding her hand as tightly as he could.

‘I…I’m trying but…I can see things, they keep appearing and…oh God.’ River was crying now, silent tears cascading down her face and glistening in the dull light of the Tardis. She put her other hand to her head as it throbbed with all of this knowledge running through her mind, but it gave the Doctor an idea.  
‘River look at me,’ he instructed, and she did as he asked at once. ‘I’m going to take the time energy from your body and transfer it to mine.’  
‘No, no you don’t need this,’ she said, shaking her head.  
‘It won’t affect me in the same way; it’ll just burn a bit and then it will be gone, my body can remove it entirely. I just need you to concentrate really hard on one thing, anything, and open your mind to me. Can you do that?’ River nodded and closed her eyes, concentrating on the memory she treasured most dearly: their wedding day. 

The Doctor placed two fingers of each hand on either side of River’s head and closed his eyes, slipping into her mind to find the source of the time energy. He moved through doors, seeing River’s life flashing all around him. He had never realised how sad it could be to watch something like that. He saw happiness in jaunts with her parents and adventures with him, but for every happy memory there were ten darker ones where all he could make out was the face of a silent and the sound of a harsh slap and a scream to follow. It was chilling. Eventually he found it, behind a closed door – a swirling ball of bright yellow energy which he took back with him as he left her mind and opened his eyes.

He tried to hide his discomfort as he felt the time energy burning away at the back of his mind, but it wasn’t really pain. In his life the Doctor had known pain of all different types and this was not pain.  
‘Are you alright?’ he asked River gently, brushing away her tears with his thumb. She didn’t answer straight away.  
‘Doctor?’  
‘Yes?’  
‘The library…’

His hearts stopped in his chest and he felt numb. She had seen the library.  
‘The, er, the library…’  
‘I saw it,’ she whispered, ‘I saw you, but much younger and still travelling with Donna but I saw…I died, Doctor. Do I? Do I die there?’  
‘River you can’t know about this,’ the Doctor sighed, ‘you can never know about the library.’  
‘But I’ve seen it,’ she pressed, ‘I saw a countdown and a light and I felt it…I felt myself dying.’  
The Doctor fumbled for words.  
‘Alright yes, yes you died River but that’s a long way into the future, you can’t worry about that.’  
‘It’s quite difficult when you’re watching it happen though,’ she pointed out.  
‘I’ll have to wipe your memory, I’m sorry but you cannot know about this. It’s a fixed point in time, the spark of every adventure we’ve ever had and every person we have ever saved.’

‘Fine,’ River agreed, ‘but first…tell me what happened. I have a right to know, even if I won’t remember.’  
‘Okay,’ the Doctor said, defeated, but his hearts sank. He had never discussed the library with anyone, and every time he saw River it became more and more difficult to talk about. Now he’d have to face up to that, and give her what she deserved; the truth.

‘The library became infested with Vashta Nerada, who arrived from their forests in the pages of the books. 4022 people were saved to the data core of the library, but they couldn’t get out because of the ever present danger so they were stuck in the computer for a hundred years. You told me off, hit me around the face and handcuffed me to stop me from saving them because you knew that it would kill me, but an earlier version of me. If he had died then you would never have met me, and we never would have fallen in love.’ He stopped for a moment, choking on his words. Breathing slowly, he continued.  
‘So you saved them, all four thousand and twenty two people, and sacrificed yourself. All I could do was upload your data ghost to the library database, to keep you safe or at least a part of you. I have never quite rid myself of the guilt of watching you die, River. I should have stopped you, screw the consequences. And every time I see you it gets harder, because each time I do I fall deeper and more madly in love with you. One day, I will have to send you off to that library and I think that day will be the hardest of my life.’

The Doctor realised that he had been crying, and slowly wiped his eyes. River leaned forwards, wincing slightly with the effort, and kissed him.  
‘You should never feel guilty,’ she instructed him. ‘If ever I had to die, what better way than to save you and thousands of others? Just knowing that when I have to go I’ll at least be with you makes me fear anything but death, and if I become a data ghost roaming the stories of a billion books until the end of my days well…that’s just a bonus. I love you, Doctor, and you have given me the best life a girl could ask for. You’ve saved me in every way a person can be saved, and I don’t fear dying because of that.  
‘So take my memories, preserve the timelines as they should be but remember what I’ve told you and promise me that you won’t blame yourself when you have to say goodbye.’  
‘I promise,’ the Doctor whispered, in awe of the most wonderful woman in the universe. 

‘Well, go on then,’ she beckoned with a smile. ‘But don’t get rid of everything, just what’s important.’  
The Doctor put his hands on her temples again and ventured back into her mind, locking the doors behind which lurked the memories she could never uncover. 

When he opened his eyes, River had her head in her hands.  
‘River?’ She lifted her head wearily to look at him.  
‘I’m just tired,’ she admitted, ‘and sore. Were you saying something?’ The Doctor smiled.  
‘Only that I love you, River Song, and I always will.’  
River smiled, but her eyes were heavy. The Doctor stood and picked her up, walking her to her room in the heart of the Tardis. She rested her head in the nape of his neck and allowed him for once to take control; she was too tired to fight it.

The Doctor laid her down gently on the bed, though even the smallest movements seemed to cause her discomfort. He removed her belt and shoes to make her a little more comfortable and draped a blanket over her, before heading towards the door.  
‘Wait,’ River shouted, stopping him in his tracks.  
‘What is it?’  
‘Would you stay with me?’  
The Doctor smiled, walking back over to the bed and lying next to her.  
‘Of course,’ he whispered, draping a protective arm across her body and pulling her gently closer to him until she was wrapped up in his arms.

As she drifted off to sleep, River breathed, ‘I love you.’  
‘I love you too,’ the Doctor said, tears in his eyes. ‘You have no idea just how much.’

He kissed her head and held her close, never ever wanting to let go.


End file.
